Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Slow Burn of Pregnancy

I had horrible heartburn last night. How horrible, you ask (or you don't but I go on pretending you do anyway, so just play along). So horrible that I dreamed my heartburn, or at least the gastric juices causing said heartburn, turned into molten lava and flowed after some random guy. Fortunately for that guy, I woke up before he was digested/immolated.

The heartburn has become more than just a nuisance. It's totally ruining prenatal yoga. Downward facing dog, plank, and monkey are all positions that I have learned to dread...also, why do all the yoga poses have to have such ridiculous names? It's like when companies name their ice cream flavors Chocolate Moo Moo or Chunky Monkey. Yeah, I'm not saying that. Also, I no longer want any, thanks.

I know some of you are going to tell me (or just think it to yourselves) that I could get something stronger than Tums to deal with the heartburn. To tell you the truth, Tums works fine, when I take it. Which is almost never. I've never been one to raid the medicine cabinet unless I decide it's absolutely necessary - like last night after my discomfort took over my dreams and almost got some fictional guy killed.

Fun side note, every  so many years we have to throw away all the things in our medicine cabinet, some of which have not yet been opened, and buy new ones because everything has long ago expired. Something I never even considered until one of my friends asked for an aspirin and, when I handed her the bottle, she pointed out that they had expired four years previously. I didn't even know they could do that. I thought they were like Twinkies or cockroaches.

So, basically, it's totally my fault that I suffer through my heartburn. I am thinking I will start taking a Tums before yoga though. That seems preferable to my esophagus dissolving as I move between child pose and plank.

Another fun fact, research has found a positive relationship between pregnant mother's heartburn and the amount of hair her child is born with. It's one of the only wives' tales that has been backed up by science. Thus, our baby is likely to come into the world with a full Pompadour. That's not really unexpected, since both his parents have crazy-thick hair. We've been joking for years that our children will look like chia pets.

Yeah, that seems about right. Poor kid.

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