Monday, June 16, 2014

Airing my clean, if rather well-used, laundry

So. I have a problem. With my underwear.

You still there? Then let's dive in shall we...yeah, that just isn't an okay thing to say about my underwear. It's VIP down in those skivvies, but I digress.

My underwear are falling apart. The whole set (is that what you call your underwear collection?) is popping its elastic and basically disintegrating before my very eyes.

I know what you are thinking. Go buy some new underwear you weirdo. That totally makes sense, but I can't.

You see, YEARS ago I bought some underwear from Target and they were the. best. underwear. ever.

They were so comfortable. So barely-there-I-don't-even-notice-them that I immediately went and bought more.

Then time passed. The seasons changed. Laundry was laundered, again and again. Inevitably my underwear reached that stage when it needed to be replaced. So, I went to Target and, you guessed it, no such underwear were for sale.

No big deal, I thought to myself. I'll order more online. BUT (or butt, if you prefer), one of the reasons these underwear are so comfortable is that all the info is printed on them rather than on a tag. And (some of you already know where this is going, the rest of you are still wondering how I can write a whole post about my underwear) the print had mostly been laundered away. There is, of course, just enough of the print there that I have spent much too much time trying to decipher it. That's right. I sit on my bed and stare at my underwear. What??

I have tried to wear other underwear. The end result is that I have an underwear drawer full of underwear I only wear if my good (falling apart) underwear are all dirty.*

*Note: I use the word dirty here to mean in need of washing, not, you know, dirty. I'm fully potty trained. Promise.

I don't know what to do. I really, really,really want more of these same underwear. After years of comfort I can't go back to wearing wedgie-prone, twisting, slipping, uncomfortable undergarments. I CAN'T DO IT! 

You might think I'm being ridiculous. That just goes to show that you are clearly wearing sub-par underwear. If you'd slipped these babies on, you'd be right there with me (In attitude, not in my underwear, because I would not risk stretching these things out, which would surely happen if you climbed in them with me. Also, that would be really awkward.). I don't know what to do. It's not like a favorite pair of jeans that you can just launder less frequently so that they last longer.

I'm not so crazy that I'm going to re-wear my underwear before I wash them. But I am crazy enough that I've let this go on so long my husband has pointed out that I need to replace my underwear. If a man says an article of clothing needs replaced you know you've let it go too far; after all, most of the men I know own at least one article of clothing that meets the technical definition of rags.**

**Usually that article of clothing has a beer logo on it.

There really isn't any solution that I can think of. Unless one of you has a time machine I could borrow? I would almost kill to go back in time and buy a lifetime supply from that long-ago Target. If you do have a time machine and a person you need taken out, go ahead and give me a call. I'd consider it.