Making a Baby: Week 17...and 18 (aka The Time I Ran Away From the Internet)

So, hi. Um...how's it been going? I guess I should apologize for abandoning you. I didn't really mean to, it's just that I took holiday vacation, and I was busy. Busy doing what? Well, um, you know, hanging out, playing Wii, snuggling on the couch. It sounds a lot less busy when I say it out loud.

R and I synchronized vacation time and it was awesome. So there. It was and I won't deny it.

We had all the nearby family and their respective boyfriends and kids stay over xmas eve. That meant I spent most of xmas eve cooking a big turkey dinner. But the bright side is that R and I were left with an abundance of leftovers to snack on while watching movies and playing video games...which we did a LOT. Also, SUPER BONUS, no one lost their shit or otherwise ruined xmas. It was a holiday miracle.

Let's see, we also went snowshoeing. This pregnant lady is badass, yo. Almost 2 miles wearing snowboarding pants that had to be held up with R's belt because my belly is WAY too big to be confined by the zipper. In addition to my pregnant badassery, there was beautiful nature and stuff.

Snowboard pants fail? Win? I'm not sure but they stayed up.

Proof of beautiful winter scenery:

Baby's first snowshoeing trip.

Then we went snowboarding. As in R went snowboarding (on his new snowboard his wife bought him because he has been working so hard and all this spousal spoiling is about to come to an abrupt end when the baby arrives) and I spent the day on my laptop and kindle from inside the ski lodge. Just me and my electronics and my jealousy. *sigh* No snowboarding this year.

Interesting side note: one of the OBs at the practice I go to gave me the green light to go snowboarding as long as, and I quote, "you're a good enough snowboarder." Then I spent a half hour puzzling over my snowboarding skills and weighing the pros and cons of snowboarding against the life of my unborn child. I ultimately decided life was more valuable than going fast down a mountain of death. Though, obviously, it was a non-issue (see snowboarding pants that had to be held closed by a belt in the paragraph above).

Then, on a crazy, pregnant whim, we went shopping for baby stuff. We hit several consignment shops and a couple crazy, over-priced places and bought the cutest wee little clothes.* Then we found the perfect crib and it happened to be on clearance so we had to buy it. Also, after weeks of comparing pack-n-plays online (we plan to keep the baby in our room at night for several months), we found a totally better one and they were almost sold out so we had to buy that.

*Note: you can get the crazy, over-priced clothes at the consignment shops for an 8th of the price. Seriously, same clothes, worn like two times. But we hit the consignment shops first and weren't sure if we were getting  a good deal until we went to the crazy, over-priced clothes place (I'm looking at you Carters) and were like, holy crap, that's more than my shirts cost! But of course we still bought some things there because they were SO cute. Essentially, we spent the day going AWWWW, look at this! And buying all the things.

**Also note: you may remember that we are trying to go gender neutral with the clothes. This basically means buying green/yellow/orange/gray/brown/red boys clothes because ALL girls clothes are pink or purple, or ruffled, or have bows, or have tiny vaginas sewn on them.

As for pregnancy, it's all going good. You know, there's the round ligament pain and the back pain and the boob pain and growing out of all my clothes...so things are going as expected. OH, except this: R got to feel the baby move on xmas night (week 17)! And almost every day since. I don't know if it's just because I am small or because our baby is practicing jujitsu, but there is plenty of detectable movement weeks earlier than we expected. Some of those little kicks pack a pretty good punch, which is great now because R can feel them, but it does make me flinch when I think what things will be like in another month or two.

And with that, here are two  three weeks worth of pregnant belly pictures. Please remember, I was on vacation, which means that hair styling and makeup are herculean tasks reserved for going to Babys-R-Us.

Week 16

Week 17

And now with even MORE belly!

Week 18

What the Holiday What??

Okay, I'll admit that I must have had my head buried in the sand, or, more likely, books. But, and this is totally true, until two days ago I had never heard of the Elf on the Shelf. The first time I came across it, I largely ignored it, but then it was mentioned in another blogpost I was reading; then another and another, until I had to find out what everyone was talking about.

It turns out that the Elf on the Shelf phenomenon is a marketing scheme to exploit the myth of Santa Clause for corporate gains and to drive many parents bat-shit crazy. You see, first you have to buy a special Elf on the Shelf, which is a spy sent by Santa to infiltrate the homes of suburban children everywhere. The elf is magic, obviously, and so you can't touch him. But you know that he's being a good little spy because every morning he has moved to a new place in the house (thus, parents have to move the elf every night because lying to children and making it look like Santa ate some cookies one night a year was just not enough). And children can be sure it was the elf moving independently because no one can touch him - he's magic.

First of all, I don't hate Santa...though I do have my own internal ethical debates about lying to my someday children about him. Anyway, more to the point, this is a brilliant marketing scheme. As far as schemes go, this is the schemiest scheme I've ever come across! Not only does the elf freak your kid into being especially good because of an implied, or maybe explicit?, threat (why parents like it), but you know that all the kids with elves go to school and tell their friends, who then come home and ask for an elf of their very own to spy on them. It becomes self-perpetuating! No wonder I've never heard of this. They don't even NEED to advertise (that, or my lack of television and interest in said books has once again kept me from valuable cultural updates like shelf elfs and who Kim Kardashian is marrying/dating this week).

ANYWAY, I'll cut my rambling short and end with this. These elves are creepy, it kinda seems like work for parents, and, again, creepy.

I watch you in your sleep...possibly while touching myself (source).

One Holiday at a Time You Guys!

It started some time ago. We stopped in at Kohls, pre-Halloween, to shop for my youngest niece's birthday and there they were...Christmas-F*cking-Decorations! Hanging right along side the fake spider webs.

Then three different Facebook friends posted that they start playing Christmas music the day after Halloween, which, last I checked, was in October! And now all the grocery stores have Christmas candy prominently displayed. GAAHH, people! The hell?!? 

(source)

If I'm feeling particularly festive, Christmas decorations go up at the beginning of December, allowing them to be up almost a month before the actual holiday. I feel that 1/12th of a year is sufficient. Admittedly, decorations seem to go up later and later each year because my enthusiasm for the holiday wains...probably because I've been hearing crappy Christmas music for two f*cking months! By the time the 25th rolls around, the word "merry" is likely to send me into an apocalyptic fit.

I just don't get it. What is it about Christmas that makes people so ravenous for repetitive music and tinsel that they need it around for months? Is it the only thing some people look forward to in the darker months of the year? (If so, that's extra sad because January and February are WAY crappier than December) Are people so depressed that they are grasping for any shred of emotional warmth associated with the holiday? And if that is it, wouldn't it be better to make the holiday special by making it less ubiquitous? 

I know why the stores do it. I used to think that the marketing/displays/consumerism was the tidal wave that pushed the public to sail high on their plastic lawn Santas. Now, I'm not so sure. 

The only thing I'm sure of is this: I am very grateful that my neighbors haven't put out their Christmas decorations yet. I'd hate to risk our neighborhood harmony by sabotaging nativity scenes.