Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Middle Of Pregnancy

Hello People of the Internet. Do you want to hear more bizarro pregnancy side effects? No? Well too bad.

1. Red spots. That's right, tiny red spots that could almost be mistaken for acne or teeny tiny spider veins, except they aren't. They are just red spots. At first they covered my shoulders, then my chest, and now they are moving down my arms. It's like a very slow, anticlimactic alien takeover.

What I think they are: pigmentation. You see, many preggers sites/books/blogs mention that pregnant women often get dark pigmentation spots. However, as my natural coloring is roughly equivalent to skim milk (mostly opaque, but slightly translucent), my dark pigmentation spots are red...kind of like the eyes of an albino rabbit.

2. Belly expansion. I had been getting some pretty terrific round ligament pain. Think sharp, shooting pains spearing you from groin to waist. Prenatal yoga seems to have cut this symptom off at the pass...for now. But these pains are certainly associated with belly growth. Fun fact: my uterus, that organ that I used to think of as a little ball in my pelvis, is about an inch and a half above my belly button and the whole thing is as hard as a rock.

3. Clenchy muscle spasms of Holy HELL! Leg cramps, aka charlie horses, are common during the second and third trimester. Many experts are scratching their heads and spinning in circles trying to understand the underlying cause - weight gain!, vascular constriction!, magnesium deficiency!, a need for more calcium or potassium or...crap, we don't know. Eat yogurt and bananas or something. Stretching is good. Also lie on your left side and recite all the constitutional amendments.

These leg cramps occur most often at night. Again, no one knows why. But let me assure you that when you are awakened from a dead sleep by intense pain as all the muscles in your calf suddenly snap so tightly together that it feels like the muscle is being torn from the bone, awakening your poor husband with shrill screams of pain, the term 'cramp' seems to be a bit of a misnomer. It's like your leg is having a contraction. And I have done everything (stretching, diet changes, heating pad, increasing my already ludicrous water intake, etc.) to avoid having to endure more of them. It's been four days. I'm keeping my fingers crossed (but not my legs - that could cause cramps. maybe.).

4. Internal bruising. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but if I hadn't seen the ultrasound with my own eyes I would be convinced that I have a jazzercizing wolverine in my uterus. This baby boy is SO active. And seems to have super human strength. And very pointy elbows.

5. Heartburn and indigestion. There is no particular rhyme or reason to when it comes. Sometimes it's set off by water. Other times I can eat chicken curry and be fine. It has an uncanny knack of hitting me right before bed time, regardless of when I last ate. I've decided to give in to my lack of control over this symptom and eat whatever I want. I've decided that this is very zen of me.

6. Bliss. I love this little guy and when the symptoms are at their worst or most painful, I just have to remind myself that at the end of all this I will get a little baby boy. Awww...lovey mushy stuff. Also, it helps to remind myself that I'm over the halfway point. As the side effects get worse (yes, I know that this is the "best time" during pregnancy - face punch), I'll keep reminding myself of how close we are to being done.

So, that's that. It's not horrible, but you certainly wouldn't sign up for this without the big prize at the end.

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