Fa La La La LaAAHH!

It's that time of year again. Time to evaluate your life and be thankful for what you have. My life has been fairly easy - not born into wealth easy, mind you, but it could certainly have been worse.

My family had little money, but I did still have a family. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't always peaceful, but we had a house to live in and food to eat. We learned to ask for little and be happy with what we had. That was harder to do in my teen years, but then again what isn't harder during adolescence? Adolescence needs punched in the face, but I digress.

I made some very poor choices early on in my romantic life. I allowed myself to be treated badly and I internalized that treatment. BUT, and here's the fabulous part, I actually learned from my mistakes. I'm not bragging. It literally took years of repeat lessons before I caught on. However, I found a great guy who is kind, moral-minded, and honest. I married him and we've been living happily ever after.

I used some of my basic character flaws (specifically stubbornness and a jaw-dropping ability to get over things) to my advantage. I refused to give in and I kept going against a number of personal indignities and I got my PhD. My adviser, Dr. D., is a real piece of shit work. He does have his good points, they are just hard to find under all the conceit, narcissism, unanticipated temper tantrums, and creepy sexual soliloquies. But I soldiered on, reminding myself that I would gain the most satisfaction in succeeding despite him. It took years for me to let go of (most) resent and hostility that I feel toward that man. Yet I think I'm finally in a place where I could smile in his face rather than using my fist. Sometimes that feels better. Like that time I met my husband's ex, the one who had cheated on him and basically stomped on his heart, and rather than acting catty, I was SO nice. She was completely confused. My husband still laughs about it.*

*That's a tip kids. Confuse your enemies with kindness.

I would never consider myself to be wise, neither would anyone who knows me, but I have learned a lot. These are the important things:

• Some things cannot be changed. 
• Work hard to remember why the people you love in your life are special and treat them accordingly.
• Just because something is true does not mean it has to be said. If it is going to hurt someone, even if it feels justified, decide if you want to be responsible for that wound.
• Being the bigger person rarely feels good but it often means you can put the problem behind you.
• Find reasons to laugh. Often.
• Own up to your mistakes.
• Go outside.
• Share your good fortune with those who need it: your money, your time, your talents, etc.

There. I think I've drained all the holiday-Sunday-afternoon-TV-special right out of me. 

What the Holiday What??

Okay, I'll admit that I must have had my head buried in the sand, or, more likely, books. But, and this is totally true, until two days ago I had never heard of the Elf on the Shelf. The first time I came across it, I largely ignored it, but then it was mentioned in another blogpost I was reading; then another and another, until I had to find out what everyone was talking about.

It turns out that the Elf on the Shelf phenomenon is a marketing scheme to exploit the myth of Santa Clause for corporate gains and to drive many parents bat-shit crazy. You see, first you have to buy a special Elf on the Shelf, which is a spy sent by Santa to infiltrate the homes of suburban children everywhere. The elf is magic, obviously, and so you can't touch him. But you know that he's being a good little spy because every morning he has moved to a new place in the house (thus, parents have to move the elf every night because lying to children and making it look like Santa ate some cookies one night a year was just not enough). And children can be sure it was the elf moving independently because no one can touch him - he's magic.

First of all, I don't hate Santa...though I do have my own internal ethical debates about lying to my someday children about him. Anyway, more to the point, this is a brilliant marketing scheme. As far as schemes go, this is the schemiest scheme I've ever come across! Not only does the elf freak your kid into being especially good because of an implied, or maybe explicit?, threat (why parents like it), but you know that all the kids with elves go to school and tell their friends, who then come home and ask for an elf of their very own to spy on them. It becomes self-perpetuating! No wonder I've never heard of this. They don't even NEED to advertise (that, or my lack of television and interest in said books has once again kept me from valuable cultural updates like shelf elfs and who Kim Kardashian is marrying/dating this week).

ANYWAY, I'll cut my rambling short and end with this. These elves are creepy, it kinda seems like work for parents, and, again, creepy.

I watch you in your sleep...possibly while touching myself (source).

Making a Baby: Week 14

Remember WAY back when I said I would post a picture of my 13 week baby bump?  But I had left my camera in Tacoma and had to get my husband to take a pic on his phone, but first I had to get up the ovaries to let him take the pic, then I had to get that pic from him, and basically getting this photo to you was a quest of epic proportions. So here it is [duh duh duh daaaaa!]:

13 Weeks along: I am literally barefoot and pregnant.

And yes, those are maternity pants. I bought them before our trip to Tacoma because a 6 hour car ride in regular pants was not happening. Besides, wearing your husband's shirt and a pair of maternity pants is the height of fashion...just take my word for it. No need to ask anyone else.

SO, that's my emerging belly. It is even bigger now...but you will have to wait until after Friday to see that, because my husband has declared Friday to be picture day.

Week 14 has been unremarkable, unless you take into account the porno sex...which I won't mention because SHEESH, boundaries.

OH, also our prenatal screening results came back and everything is fine! I have broken The News to my boss and have had my plan to take off most of the summer OK'd. Fortunately, my work is pretty cool about that.

One final thing I'd like to share: R has been placing his head to my belly and calling, "Hello in there!" Adorable. I think I'll keep him.