Stop asking me about the baby!

No there is not a damn baby yet!!!

You see, that's what I'm saying to myself on the inside every f'ing time I answer the phone...which isn't often. Mostly I let it go to voice mail because the pregnancy rage, it's really real. For realz.

If I call and get someone else's voice mail, I make sure to leave a message saying that there is nothing going on. This has not reduced the number of people calling back to see if something is, in fact, "going on." Because, obviously, I might be a lying liar. 

At this rate, it is likely that I reduce the world's population before I add to it.

I recently had to restrain myself because the annoyed, vindictive part of me came THIS close to telling my dad I lost my mucus plug. But then I'd probably have to tell him what that was and I'd end up more uncomfortable than he would. And (here's the important part) it wouldn't bring me any closer to having this baby. 

Stubborn baby. Get out get out getout getout GETOUT!!!

I have been walking, having sex, R is exhausted, the size of my ankles is totally frightening, and still no baby. I have had random people yell across store aisles and restaurants about how I look like I'm ready to have this baby, and still no baby. I even had an old lady I had never seen before in my life tell me to go home...still no baby.

My neighbor has yelled over my fence asking about the frequency of my Braxton Hicks. My mom stupidly asked if I was dilating more, cause you know, even though I can't even see the outside of my nethers I obviously have been keeping a tactile-based journal on the state of my cervix*. My friend asked if I felt like I was going to have the baby that day. I could go on. There's been a lot of slap yourself type questions thrown my way. 

*No, she did not think I had been to the doctor. She just thought I could maybe tell. This from a woman who had three children and could never even tell when she was actually in labor.

SOooo....that's how week 39 is wrapping up. Basically, I'm finding that the very worst part of the end of pregnancy is other people. And yes, I know they are interested/concerned/supportive/etc. but also, they need to shut up. I have promised that I will not be keeping the baby a secret. I will not hide him in my basement. I would just like people to stop asking me about the state of my girly parts and accept that if there is something worth talking about I will share it with them...or not because what I keep in my underwear is my business.

I can't wait until the baby comes and everyone focuses on him instead of me. Even though I know that will give me a whole slew of reasons to roll my eyes.

Making a Baby: Weeks 35 through 38

Apparently the best way to get your readership up is to talk about your imminent baby and then disappear from the Internet. Haha! You have all been had. I'm not even having a baby. This has all been an elaborate hoax including photographic evidence of an increasingly scary/huge belly and a false double chin. (If you believe that, you deserve to be lied to.)

Okay, so I haven't written in a while because I've been staying away from my computer. I started maternity leave earlier than expected due to a colleague's personal problems, which would be great if I still had lots to do to get ready for the little guy's arrival. But I don't. And the long list of Things That Must Get Done is completed (bath dogs, paint stars on nursery ceiling, build furniture [no, not a metaphor or exaggeration], get the garden planted, prune trees, etc.). R keeps ordering me to the couch, where I sit for .05 sec until I've decided that the front room must be re-dusted, or that I should hand wash some dresses I won't be able to wear for another 3-4 months, or I notice that there are spots on the master bathroom mirror (and by notice I mean imagine, because I was sitting on the couch, remember?). Basically I'm failing at the rest/relax/put your feet up thing. But I'm TOTALLY winning at nesting. So there.

Also, I've been alternating between my sweet self and my crabby alter ego because baby get OUT! And R keeps muttering some nonsense trying to remind me that we haven't even hit his due date yet. But I'm swollen (if you comment that I'm swollen because I'm not staying off my feet I swear I will jump through this screen and strangle you with my sausage-like fingers), and I'm having a gazillion contractions, and my family members are calling me every day to ask about progress. Also, my mom has graciously made this about her, because she is tired of waiting, and she things things are taking too long, and she is lucky that I'm too bowling-ballish to successfully slip into her apartment and kill her in her sleep.

So tra-la-la. End of pregnancy is so glorious and wonderful.

On the bright side, I am dilating and effacing more - so sayeth the doctor yesterday. I am having tons of contractions and am officially in prelabor. Which means a baby will be coming...eventually. It could be today or next week or by the time I'm 90. Whenever.

With that tidbit of grumpy over sharing, I present to you, 4 weeks worth of belly pictures:

Week 35

Week 36

Week 37

Week 38

Oh, and fun fact. I have been reassured by not one but three different doctors that we don't have to worry about the baby being small. Because that's obviously reassuring. Though looking at these pictures does lend support to their statement. 

Dang! There's a baby in there!

Impending Baby Update

FYI: Progress is being made. Dilation and effacing are going on. So...things are progressing.

What does that tell us?

That a baby will definitely be coming, sometime, eventually, who the hell knows when.

So. That.

And there will be more belly pics posted. Probably. If I'm not too busy dusting the back of the entertainment center.

Until next time,
Swollen Ankles, signing off